Learning to see, learning to listen.

Last Sunday’s Gospel was about the blind beggar.  He was born blind.  The pharisees had asked Jesus who sinned, for the beggar to be paying such a consequence.  Was it the fault of his parents or his own?  Jesus replied neither.  You see, that blind man had a purpose.  His purpose was for Jesus to heal him. This is truly amazing because God already knew he would be born blind.  God had a place for this special man. He now has a special place in our bibles and in our lives. Jesus manifested his love for this man in curing him. His testimony and faith will live on now forever because he allowed Jesus to heal him, all in God’s time.

When I started this blog about 2 years ago, I remember feeling desperate and unable to see what God wanted from me in my life, so I called it “A Blind Beggar”.  Last weekend I went to mass with my daughters and I was surprised to hear this Gospel.  Lord knows I have been struggling spiritually lately.  Two days prior going to mass, I opened my blog.  I had forgotten about it for almost a year. Was it a coincidence…or was it God’s timing?  During the mass it was difficult to believe what I was hearing.  It was as though God was speaking directly to me.   Once it had ended and the last song was sung.  I waited for my sister who was helping clean up.  The priest, who also happens to be my future brother-in-law’s brother said to me, ” Come talk to me, you have the look of death in your eyes.”  Probably the look of death because I realized how dead I have been.  I smiled and told him about my blog, he smiled and said “That’s God for you.”

It does not end there, and truthfully as much as I enjoy finding the little time I have to blog and write to people from all around the world, its not about the blog either.  It’s about how God is talking to me.  How he is calling me and trying to cure me of this blindness I have been carrying for so many years.  I only truly realized how blind I really was when my son was diagnosed at 22 months.

IMG_7190

This is Charlie.

He is a gift.

He was diagnosed with a rare chromosome deletion on his 6th chromosome.  This is something very rare and it is difficult to find people with the same type of deletion on the same part of the chromosome.  The science is complicated, but it does make the faith grow.

When the doctors first told us, I was in shock. I needed to understand everything and I wanted to know everything, yet I could not.  It has been 3 months now, and there are still times when I cry by myself.  Although I tried to understand it, I denied it, and much like the Pharisees to the blind man I began to question certain things.

First, I know I am a sinner.  I have done things I really shouldn’t have. I did not, by any means have a very saintly teenage life.  When this happened to Charlie, I thought for a little bit that God did this to us, so that I pay for my sins.  I thought he burdened my little boy to get at me because of my terrible past.  After much contemplation and personal thought, I knew why this had happened, or so I thought.  It was all my husbands fault.  It was his sins that did this to our little Charlie.  His terrible past.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table bawling like a baby, crying inconsolably.  I was having such a spiritual melt down.  My husband was sitting at the opposite end of the kitchen table and I let it out. I told him it was all his fault. I began to hate him. I was so infuriated until I saw that he was also broken and I was just killing him.  I don’t know how I stopped but I did.  Later that week we sought come counsel from a priest, who also happens to be a medical doctor.  My husband went in to confess with him and he came out like a new man.

You see, Charlie is gift. A gift sent directly from God for us, for me in particular.  God is manifesting his love for me through him.  I am able to SEE now that I am a poor blind beggar. God has shined a light on my soul. I see how messy I really am on the inside. How easy it is for me to blame others, how I choose what cross to carry instead of carrying the ones God has given me.  As Mother Angelica said “The Cross is non-negotiable, its a requirement”  God does not punish either.  In moments of desperation, or moments that really test our faith we should always turn to God, not away.  God fixes everything, perhaps not in the ways we want, but better.

If I told you, I understand everything now and I am more accepting of situations, I would be lying to you.  Everyday I am  learning something new. I have become dependent on Jesus. I have this drive within me that wants me to learn more.

This is just the beginning.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s