Anxiety.

I suffer with separation anxiety.

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At this present moment my husband took our 3 children to go get their passport pictures done and its been about an hour and a half and I am now on my second glass of wine.  I tend to loosen up or I feel like I do anyways when I have a drink or two….sometimes 3.  I do not want to text him because I do not want to seem weak.

We had an argument early this morning about finances and it did not go over well. I am actually quite bitter about it but it will pass.  Its just not the greatest feeling when he leaves with the kids and I am here by myself.  A million things run through my mind…all of them horrible.  I think about the fact that I didn’t kiss him when he came home, I didn’t even kiss the kids goodbye when they left.  What if something happens? that is something I would live with for the rest of my life. This is my life.  This is what I think about all the time.  Its a horrible thought process and one that causes me so much grief.  I constantly worry about things that are not even happening.

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I could listen to a sad song and I can picture myself in a heartbreaking situation where I end up crying. This usually occurs when I am washing the dishes and have the music playing. why? why do I suffer this?  My darling husband has asked me a dozen times for us to go on a trip together…and I can’t.  I cannot be far from my children. I would be miserable wondering what my kids are doing…are they hurt…crying…hungry. Sometimes I feel I am just not normal. I just don’t fit in. I sometimes feel that this thought process will be passed on to my kids.  I pray to God no. I hope they will live every moment with joy and happiness. I want them to have adventures, I want them to experience nature, the world, different cultures, different foods. I don’t want them to live in a box constantly fearing what will come their way…much like me.

Sometimes I feel I may have already passed on my anxiety and worries to my eldest daughter Isabella.  There are times I catch her with her eyes watering, trying to hold back the tears, she excuses it by saying she has something in her eye. Once I asked her what she was thinking about when I was reading her a bed time story, and she said she had something in her eye… obviously, but I urged her to tell me.  She told me that she imagined me with another man, and her father with another woman and we were no longer a family.  It broke my heart.  I reflected on it and her thought process makes sense.  Those are her fears. She let her mind get the best of her.

I wish I could fix myself so she wouldn’t think like that.  But I have to change. I don’t want to take any pills. It didn’t work out for me so well last time.

My anxieties range from small triggers to big triggers.  I use to suffer panic attacks but I have learned to take control… I try anyways. Sometimes I wish I could just hang my mind at the front door and enjoy these moments that times steals much to quick. I love my children, I love my husband. I’m far from perfect, I’m human.

wine count…3

God Bless

AJ

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